I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
