Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
