i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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