I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
whose ass print is on the piano?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize