dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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