I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
