I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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