Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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