I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
