Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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