Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
