Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
