So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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