Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
