he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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