no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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