My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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