I wish I could teleport
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
