I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
