i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
