You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
