Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
