i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
