Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
