So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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