Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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