she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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