This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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