she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
