My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
