he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
