You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
