I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
