Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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