super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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