I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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