I CAN MOONWALK!
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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