What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
