Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
