and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
