I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
