my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
