Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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