I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
