Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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