I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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