if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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