I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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