Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
