he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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