I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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