Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
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