our cab driver is having phone sex.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
