Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
