so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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