woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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