I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Text me some of your sweat
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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