I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
